Loose Cheeks


Loose Cheeks: Hot Tips
By Lucas Smithereen
Loose Cheeks Senior Editor

Got a hot tip for Loose Cheeks? Call the Loose Cheeks hot-tip line: (000) CHE-EEKS. We’ll get back to you whenever.

Loose Cheeks’ intrepid reporter A.J. Gangle recently got his sticky fingers on a copy of the job description for UC Merced chancellor, the post Carol Tomlinson-Keasey left to write a book at state expense about the founding of the campus on the former municipal golf course.

UC Merced Chancellor Job Description

Top Secret
Security clearance through appropriate federal agencies and UC Regents.

Date: (redacted):

1. Candidate must possess a face frozen in an aspect of absolute sincerity (without ticks). We are not looking for someone who can merely put on a sincere face. We are talking bone structure. The face of the chancellor of UC Merced must be unable to express any disposition but utterly sweet sincerity.

2. Candidate must possess the ability to lie to local, state and federal public officials frequently, at will, and on extremely short notice on any topic. Polygraph analysis will be used to determine the top five top smoothest liars. Pay particular attention to the smoothness of the affirmations on these statements:

· Black is actually white.
· UC Merced complied with all environmental law and regulation.
· UC Merced is not a developer of any kind.
· UC Merced has not, does not and will not conduct any research involving materials used for weapons of mass destruction.
· Genetically modified organisms produced by biotechnology corporations are never harmful to the environment, pose no threat to farmers’ health or income, and will universally improve human health.

3. Regardless of gender, candidate must agree to spend more time with Rep. Dennis Cardoza than he spends with his wife. (Candidate not required to spend as much time with Cardoza as Cardoza spends with Rep. Rich Pombo.)

4. Candidates must possess a profound faith (backed by slush funds) that the Pomboza will gut the Endangered Species Act; and, that before that Happy Day for UC Merced; all UC Merced and UC Community plans must remain plans-to-make-plans.

5. Candidates must be fervently committed to the principle that California taxpayers pay all legal expenses of local land-use authorities for UC-corrupted decisions challenged by local public groups.

6. Candidates must express an eagerness to make UC Merced a continuing haven for aging political hacks (Tony “Honest Graft” Coelho and John Garamendi), their offspring (the Condit kids then and John Garamendi, Jr. now ) the offspring of former UC executives (James Greenwood), former disgraced UC presidents (David Pierpont Gardner), and sawed-off Texans that polish their fingernails.

7. Candidates will receive bonus points for a proven record of paying off minority “leaders” to claim UC Merced is a godsend for Valley minorities.

8. Candidates must demand to redecorate the Chancellor’s Residence for at least $200,000, using materials ripped out of the adjacent environment. Bonus points will be awarded to demands for useless decorative features made of aggregate from nearby sand-and-gravel mines. The candidate who demands a baby Black Bear pelt above the fireplace wins the prize.

9. A background in propaganda work, preferably for UC Flak Central, is preferred. Academic degrees will be arranged to enhance the resume of any candidate who scores high in other categories. Special consideration will be granted to candidates who demand the bear-cub pelt.

10. Under no circumstances will the candidate be a native Californian or have any California ancestors back to the time of the Bering Straights land bridge. We do not want a chancellor whose mind is contaminated with history.

11. When the polygraph test is administered, positive recognition of any of the following names or terms will be cause for elimination: Paul Taylor, Dorothea Lang, rural sociology, Carey McWilliams, Ernesto Galarza, Al Green, Larry Itliong, Philip Vera Cruz, Cesar Chavez, Dolores Huerta, Don Villarejo, California Institute for Rural Studies, Ralph Brown or John Williamson.

12. Immediately eliminate candidates who do not demand at least $50,000 bonus, at least $150,000 in “research funding,” plus two years of severance pay. They are not greedy enough and willing enough to steal public funds to be able to play a round of golf with a corporate CEO and therefore cannot be relied upon to broker successful public/private, win-win partnerships.

13. Personality analysis. The short list will be decided by the top five in the categories: hypocrisy, self-righteousness, and arrogance.

14. Any candidate who does not immediately demand at least $150,000 for office renovation lacks the elementary invidious comparison quotient required to be a part of the UC team of chancellors. Ditto any candidate with a dog who demands less than $40,000 public funds for installation of a dog run.

15. A proven record of cheating on academic examinations gets bonus points for short-listing. UC chancellors must possess the ability to cheat on reporting executive compensation packages to UC Regents.

16. Candidates for any UC chancellor position must have demonstrated the ability to harass, intimidate and otherwise silence uppity professors critical of UC executive compensation packages or UC scientists willing to call a vernal pool and vernal pool. There are no vernal pools, no endangered species, no critical habitat in eastern Merced County, and anyone who says there are must be labeled a communist, an environmentalist, a pinko fairy shrimp lover or a POET.

17. To continue to supply living, captive mascots, the UC Merced chancellor must demonstrate the ability to politically bludgeon state and federal wildlife officials into lying, cheating and breaking state and federal law.

18. No candidate need apply for this position unless he or she can tell a bald-faced lie to a legislative committee under pressure.

19. Candidates must demonstrate enthusiasm for slashing student services, staff salaries and raising student tuitions so that UC executives and top professors get more money.

20. Trick question: What does “under-market” mean to you? Candidates who reply: “Abomination!” get bonus points.

21. Prerequisite: Candidate must have worked in a top management position in one of UC’s national laboratories of nuclear weapons research.


Merced Sun-Star
City's Wal-Mart debate rages...Letters to the editor
Pro...Kenneth L. Musson, Merced
The evil Wal-Mart is coming to town with their big bad offers of jobs! POET -- the People Opposed to the Ethical Treatment of Merced, who are against everything... The minute, no, the second the UC Merced was a done deal, this little burg changed. Forever. Could any of you POETs be among our new UC arrivals? How dare you challenge change!

Merced Sun-Star
UC Merced club wants support...Chris Abrescy, Winton
In the inaugural year: We have fewer than the 1,000 initial students, a dean departing, many eager to leave, and now are losing a great chancellor. Many disappointed students feel a false picture was painted. We were told to create this campus... Yet, UC Merced offers minimal support to clubs... roadblocks, paperwork and regulations continuously arise. We attempt to utilize facilities, denied access. We, the students, receive no priority...

Merced Sun-Star
Who's listening: 'No Knows' has different take on UC...Nathan Quevedo
Composer Tony White-"UC Merced" is a song Essig "composed" nearly three years ago. It deals with the impact a university has on a small agriculture town in what some consider the farming center of the world. "Faced with this great opportunity to really change this town ... the influences were really from the outside," he said. According to the Merced County Association of Realtors, property values skyrocketed 50 percent last year in the city of Merced. More online: Click here to listen to the song about UC Merced by Joey No Knows.

San Francisco Chronicle
Offer letters from UC detail top hire's perks. Enhanced benefits promised to recruits...Tanya Schevitz, Todd Wallack
UC Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau, Steven Chu to run the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory, UC San Diego Medical Center director Richard Liekweg, executive vice provost Wyatt "Rory" Hume, UC Santa Cruz Chancellor Denice Denton. ...special perks contained in offer letters UC tendered to 29 current and former top executives during the hiring process that have not been previously reported. The Chronicle obtained the letters last week under the California Public Records Act. UC spokesman Paul Schwartz said the administration's own review of the letters found that administrators sometimes violated university policies by failing to disclose some elements of compensation packages to the regents and the public... The offer letters are part of an audit under way by UC's outside auditing firm, PricewaterhouseCoopers, which is expected to be completed in April. Schwartz urged The Chronicle to hold off on reporting anything about the offer letters until the PricewaterhouseCoopers audit is completed, because the auditors will also review other information that isn't publicly available, such as the executives' personnel files... The Chronicle decided to report on the offer letters because the public interest is served by disclosing their contents.

San Francisco Chronicle
UC head of campus will quit top job. Chancellor going on sabbatical to write history of the school...Tanya Schevitz
In her resignation letter submitted Feb. 4 and released by the university Wednesday, Tomlinson-Keasey said she will take an administrative leave at her chancellor's salary, citing a 2003 UC presidential policy that lets managers take leaves at full salary. But a conflicting Board of Regents policy bars administrative leaves of more than three months. That and other conflicting policies and pay practices at UC during an era of rising student fees have been revealed in a series of Chronicle stories, and have led to legislative hearings. Paul Schwartz said the UC president's office is reviewing details of the leave and will work with the chancellor "to ensure both that she receives what she is entitled to and that the appropriate policies are followed." However, UC President Robert Dynes confirmed Wednesday in a letter to the chancellor that she would be able to take the leave at her administrative pay. He also confirmed that she has also earned an additional two years' sabbatical that she will take at some point at her faculty salary.

Modesto Bee
Independent voice for young campus...Rosalio Ahumada
Justin Duckham wanted to create a student newspaper that is unfiltered, uncensored and unapologetic...Fury Shrimp Times. The University of California at Merced freshman has succeeded so far. Without authorization from campus administration, he and his staff are producing an underground publication filled with opinion articles tackling the various issues affecting students. "We want (UC Merced) to be a new Berkeley, a new Davis," said Izadian, an 18-year-old from San Jose majoring in biology.

San Francisco Chronicle
Conflict of interest found for UC provost...Tanya Schevitz, Todd Wallack
The University of California's former No. 2 official, who resigned under a cloud last month, violated conflict-of-interest rules by helping to create a management job for a friend... In addition, UC investigators found that a subordinate for the former official, ex-Provost M.R.C. Greenwood, had improperly helped create an internship for Greenwood's son,... UC said it had determined that Doby, the university's vice president for student affairs who reported to Greenwood, had inappropriately provided funding from his office to create an internship at UC Merced specifically for Greenwood's son, James Greenwood. James Greenwood previously applied for three student affairs positions at UC Merced and UC Davis, using contacts provided by his mother. He did not make it to the interview round for any of the jobs,... After James Greenwood's unsuccessful search for a job, Doby asked UC Merced Vice Chancellor Jane Lawrence this past July whether she would create an internship for him if the campus had the funding. A day or two later, Doby informed UC Merced that his office would provide funding for an internship position for Greenwood, the report said. Greenwood was then hired as the only candidate for the $45,000-a-year internship.

Daily Newsbulletin
Young named to UC Merced post…
Janet E. Young, chief of staff for Lab Director John Browne, has been selected as assistant chancellor and chief of staff for the University of California, Merced. "Janet has been an invaluable colleague to me in planning and conducting the business of the Laboratory," Browne said. "Her insights into UC and federal processes have served our institution well. She has a clear understanding of the fundamental values of Los Alamos stemming from our historical relationship with UC, and worked hard to protect those values.